Yes, This one is for you!

Your absence has gone through me...
Like a thread through a needle...
But everything I do, is stitched with its color...!
~ M.S. Merwin

There were days when I had felt so lonely..
Days when I longed to feel wanted.. Days when I hid myself from the world around..
Days when I run away from my duties.. Days when I opted out of my opportunities..
Days when days seemed longer and nights never ending..
Times when a couple close by would trigger a sense of jealousy..
Times when the sight of a pair would shoot up my temper..
Gang of friends making me feel hopeless..
Bonds creating a feeling of insecurity..

Hours, Minutes and seconds counting endlessly..

Gone are those days when I longed for your messages and calls.. Gone are those days when we used to chat and talk endlessly.
Now it feels weird when I have to talk or communicate with you...

Gone are those days when I used to find silly reasons to spend time with you.. Gone are those days when I used to save every penny to buy you a gift.
Now meeting you is a difficult task.. Then comes gifting, which is out of the option...

There were times when every second used to matter, as it corresponded with something to do with you.
There were times when every transit option used to matter, as it dealt with the time I spent with you.

There were times when I used to fight for a single non compliance, in anything; from replying to a message to being on time to buying gifts to viewing e-cards.
Now I'm thinking if I actually have to text you, remind you to view my card or even wait for my text's response.

There were times when I mishandled your heart, hurt it, stranded it with my words and thawed it with my temper. But they don't mean that I'm devaluing you and your presence is not needed..
Just that I am a human myself and I have my own mental hills, ridges and valleys...

I want to confess that,
Your absence is felt deeply and your presence is wanted...
Your voice is missed and your memories are relived...

I'm not in a state of mind to argue to prove myself or accept my flaws or pledge a forever bond and beyond.

I have my points and you would have yours!
I have my hiccups and you have yours!
I have my constraints and you have yours!
I have my expectations and you have yours!

But can't we mend beyond this crack?

I might not be the best person to maintain a relationship with but I think I'm not the worst.. I'm sure!
Am I? You have to tell me that!

I don't even know the impact of few incidents. I cannot count the number of hearts I have hurt.
But now, I'm lost. I'm trying to find a ray of hope in the forever darkness I'm submerged in.

Can you find me, please?

Last but not the least, I have only one thing to say..
.
.
.
To all the past relationships that I have lost..
.
.
.
I'm sorry! Please come back!

The Puzzled Waking!

Beep. Beep. Beep. I tossed my I-phone (?) on my never-seen-before bed (?).

I breathed heavily. Beads of sweat appeared right above my lips and eyebrows. I was angry. Too angry to be pacified. I was not ready to be consoled. I walked up and down my corridor which was now long and tidy. (?)

Deepan and I were married (?) for three years now and Ram had come into our life too quick. We were still trying to understand each other when Ram happened. ‘Really?’

Deepan worked for CMRL as a security Engineer and had returned from IRAQ after his training (?). We had met each other in the CMRL customer care. He was the one who helped me find my lost card.

Last few weeks were busy and we could not spend quality time with each other. Today being his birthday (?) I had asked him to turn up home (at Winner Constructions, Ayodhya?) early so that I could make him some special dinner.

He had not picked my calls, responded to my mails and even rejected my video call on WhatsApp.

Time was quarter past 8 and Anusha was busy working from my hall. ‘Why is she here?’

Tanvi walked out of the kitchen and handed me a plate of Dhal-Chawal.
‘Dhal for dinner?’

I ate my dinner in silence and Ram was nowhere to see. I thought if Ram was already fed and in bed. My mobile rang and I saw that it was my husband (?).

“Husband Calling…” I answered the call.

“Ji. Naaliku enaku lunch kondu varaatheenga. I’m dieting.”

It sounded like Prashanth. Weird… I thought.

I put my Samsung phone (?) besides me and sat in silence.

I noticed that the apartment construction was still not complete. The walls had not been painted and even the fans and lights were not fixed. 'Seriously?'

“Husband Calling…” I answered the call again.

“I will be home in sometime. Just leaving from work.”

This time it sounded like Aman. ‘Why is he coming here?’

I decided to sleep and walked into my bedroom. I switched on the AC and laid down on my bed. I switched off the light and saw the stars and moon shine on my ceiling (?) I drifted to sleep slowly and remembered few beautiful women walking close to me to rock me to sleep (?).

“SSCREEEEEEEEECH...”

I opened my eyes saw Hari walk into the bedroom.

“Hi! Innum thoongalaya?” He inquired. I could not stabilize myself. I looked around.

Ram was sleeping peacefully next to me. The room was complete and properly painted. Tanvi and Anusha were no were to be seen. My phone was Moto-E (1st Gen) and its pouch had my metro card. I searched for “Husband” contact on my phone but could not find it. Prashanth and Aman had not called in the near past too.

It was 11:20 PM.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I finally remembered that I had laid along with Ram faking sleep, to put him to bed...
at 11:10 PM..!

Meant to be!

Tears rolled down her cheeks wetting her favorite beads bracelet, that was presented by him. It trickled further down to wet the tips of her hair, which she had let free as requested by him. From there it dripped to touch the soul of mother earth...

She looked through her teary eyes across the room. The curtains swayed endlessly covering up the day light.

Few more drops of tears came down her blemish less cheeks emphasizing her pain.

He had been there for her whenever she needed him or even more. He had made himself a part of her life even though they belonged to different sections of the society.

She was a professional dance teacher and interior designer. He in turn was a college drop out and was a travel blogger. Even their first meet was too very unexpected. They had met in a railway station; while he was getting off the train, she was boarding it.Just a glance and then it sparked! He instantly walked to her asked for her number for which she didn't even hesitate for a fraction of a second!

They knew that they were meant to be! From then on,life had taken them to places but love brought them back to each other.

They spoke to their parents about each other and convinced them in few minutes; their parents knew each other through a common friend. Their marriage dates were fixed on their second family meet and it was 2 months from then. One fine day, he informed them that he was planning to join his usual group of friends for a biking trip to Leh and Ladakh for which the family instantly refused. When he came to her, she was confused. But when he held her hands and assured that he would be back in ten days, she couldn't atop herself from letting him go!

Today was the 13th day and there had been no information from him for the past 2 days.
She wasn't very worried until she saw the news about a massive landslide in Leh.. The world came crashing on her and she blacked out.

Few hours later, when she opened her eyes,

All that she wanted to see was him;
All that she wanted to hear was his voice;
All that she wanted to sense was his touch!

But alas in vain!

She had spent the last 3 hours crying her lungs out in deadly silence.Slowly and steadily she sensed her senses fade away..

As she dozed off to the eternal sleep, the figure of him slowly and gracefully riding through the snow as it engulfs him completely, screened vaguely in her fading vision!

The Quiet Lesson

Triiiiiiiiing… 5:30 AM
- My alarm rang to wake me, but I was already wide awake.

I hadn’t slept a bit the previous night. My son, Ram had been unwell in the past week; he had suffered from bacterial infection which caused him 3 full days of extreme temperature and sore throat. He had not had solids for 4 days and his sleep cycle had changed terribly. Frequent coughs made it worse. Being a light sleeper, made it difficult for me too.

I looked around; it was an early Saturday morning. But I wasn’t sleepy at all. I walked towards the balcony to have a glimpse of the sunrise. There was hardly any hint of it. So, I crawled back into the bed next to my son. The other side my husband was fast asleep; my in-laws were as sleep too.

I tossed and turned in my bed but made sure my restlessness didn’t disturb my bed mates.

‘Should I watch the sunrise from the terrace?’ I asked myself. 75% of me said, ‘Go to bed. You hadn’t slept at all.’ 25% of me said ‘May be yes!’

I crawled out of my bed; brushed my teeth; gulped down a glass of water and walked to the terrace. Sun had started giving out its first traces. I did a bit of stretching, bending and twisting exercises. The morning air blew upon my face making me unsteady. I closed my eyes and breathed in the fresh air.

Things started flowing down.

What am I doing to myself?
Where is my life heading?
What about my future?
What is happening now?
Am I making a good time of my life?
Am I wasting it all?
Is my life worth?
Am making the utmost of my life?
Why am I here?

Questions started pouring down.

I couldn’t stand the heaviness of the flow and opened my eyes. Tears started rolling down my eyes. I recapped.

I had been suffering from PCOS, a very common syndrome in the current working women. It caused many complications, a few including irregular, painful, heavy periods, delayed pregnancy, hair growth in face, weight gain, hormonal imbalance etc. I’m a victim of all of these. It had been 3 years of marriage; ours was a late-arranged marriage. So, Ram didn’t happen at ease. I had few miscarriages before him. I delivered Ram via C-Section. Amidst all the discrepancies, I had exclusively BF him for 5+ months and continue to feed him till now. Ram is 17 months old and is extremely shrewd and active.

I had let go of my likes just after marriage as I could not spare time for them. I failed to keep up my passion for music just after I delivered. I let go of my career with a reputed concern to breast feed and spend quality time with him. I joined again after a break of 3 months when his dependency on me reduced a little. I had to join a different company which was farther; the commute swallowing more than 3 hours of my day.

I let go of music, dance, trekking, cycling, night walks, books, my-time, TV, mehandi, rangoli – everything that I had been doing to keep myself away from stress. All I had been doing was… being with him.

‘But that is not wrong! That is what you are supposed to and expected to!’ the inner me argued. ‘More than anything you don’t have time for anything else. You are living with your in-laws; away from work place and you have a baby!’ the inner me further argued.

I started to feel uncomfortable. I knew that I had to do something. I had to change something. I wasn’t doing it right and I wasn’t doing enough. I was not making the best of myself and time. I had to change.

The sun was rising. I saw it fighting through the plunge of darkness with its every single ray, with its utmost might.

I had to fight. Fight against the monotonous schedule that was boring me.

I made up my mind to catch up on all my left-overs. I promised to recover myself from my own stress. I promised to create time for myself. I promised to do better time management. I promised to bring back life into my life. I promised to soothe myself with my likes and hobbies.

The sun had now risen gracefully amidst the clouds radiating its first ray of heat and light. From there there was no stopping. It rose above all the clouds – bright and majestic and brought into life, everything that looked stale and lifeless till now. It had fought meticulously to be up there.

Though it felt absolutely impossible in the beginning things did fall in place, as time flew.

Thank you!! I smiled back at the sun, thanking it for the quiet lesson.