The Quiet Lesson

Triiiiiiiiing… 5:30 AM
- My alarm rang to wake me, but I was already wide awake.

I hadn’t slept a bit the previous night. My son, Ram had been unwell in the past week; he had suffered from bacterial infection which caused him 3 full days of extreme temperature and sore throat. He had not had solids for 4 days and his sleep cycle had changed terribly. Frequent coughs made it worse. Being a light sleeper, made it difficult for me too.

I looked around; it was an early Saturday morning. But I wasn’t sleepy at all. I walked towards the balcony to have a glimpse of the sunrise. There was hardly any hint of it. So, I crawled back into the bed next to my son. The other side my husband was fast asleep; my in-laws were as sleep too.

I tossed and turned in my bed but made sure my restlessness didn’t disturb my bed mates.

‘Should I watch the sunrise from the terrace?’ I asked myself. 75% of me said, ‘Go to bed. You hadn’t slept at all.’ 25% of me said ‘May be yes!’

I crawled out of my bed; brushed my teeth; gulped down a glass of water and walked to the terrace. Sun had started giving out its first traces. I did a bit of stretching, bending and twisting exercises. The morning air blew upon my face making me unsteady. I closed my eyes and breathed in the fresh air.

Things started flowing down.

What am I doing to myself?
Where is my life heading?
What about my future?
What is happening now?
Am I making a good time of my life?
Am I wasting it all?
Is my life worth?
Am making the utmost of my life?
Why am I here?

Questions started pouring down.

I couldn’t stand the heaviness of the flow and opened my eyes. Tears started rolling down my eyes. I recapped.

I had been suffering from PCOS, a very common syndrome in the current working women. It caused many complications, a few including irregular, painful, heavy periods, delayed pregnancy, hair growth in face, weight gain, hormonal imbalance etc. I’m a victim of all of these. It had been 3 years of marriage; ours was a late-arranged marriage. So, Ram didn’t happen at ease. I had few miscarriages before him. I delivered Ram via C-Section. Amidst all the discrepancies, I had exclusively BF him for 5+ months and continue to feed him till now. Ram is 17 months old and is extremely shrewd and active.

I had let go of my likes just after marriage as I could not spare time for them. I failed to keep up my passion for music just after I delivered. I let go of my career with a reputed concern to breast feed and spend quality time with him. I joined again after a break of 3 months when his dependency on me reduced a little. I had to join a different company which was farther; the commute swallowing more than 3 hours of my day.

I let go of music, dance, trekking, cycling, night walks, books, my-time, TV, mehandi, rangoli – everything that I had been doing to keep myself away from stress. All I had been doing was… being with him.

‘But that is not wrong! That is what you are supposed to and expected to!’ the inner me argued. ‘More than anything you don’t have time for anything else. You are living with your in-laws; away from work place and you have a baby!’ the inner me further argued.

I started to feel uncomfortable. I knew that I had to do something. I had to change something. I wasn’t doing it right and I wasn’t doing enough. I was not making the best of myself and time. I had to change.

The sun was rising. I saw it fighting through the plunge of darkness with its every single ray, with its utmost might.

I had to fight. Fight against the monotonous schedule that was boring me.

I made up my mind to catch up on all my left-overs. I promised to recover myself from my own stress. I promised to create time for myself. I promised to do better time management. I promised to bring back life into my life. I promised to soothe myself with my likes and hobbies.

The sun had now risen gracefully amidst the clouds radiating its first ray of heat and light. From there there was no stopping. It rose above all the clouds – bright and majestic and brought into life, everything that looked stale and lifeless till now. It had fought meticulously to be up there.

Though it felt absolutely impossible in the beginning things did fall in place, as time flew.

Thank you!! I smiled back at the sun, thanking it for the quiet lesson.