My Horizon!

The clock ticked 14.20.

She looked at her watch. It was later than usual for her.

She hurriedly checked the hall wall clock again. The clock hands seem to be moving faster than usual. She thought why was she not home yet? Was she in some trouble?

She decided to give her a call.

Tring… Tring… (No answer)

It was half past two now and was late by more than an hour. Was there seriously a problem to her? What would have happened otherwise? Puncture? Traffic? No cab?

Ting… Tong…

She opened the door to see her outside dressed in pale blue jeans and a casual top, contrast to her in a dark brown sari.

“I had been waiting for you, for about an hour now. I get only one day with you and you are out even today!”

……

“Ok come on. Have food with me.”

……

“Isha? Do you even hear what I’m saying?”

With foot-falls heard close to her, she assumed Isha was approaching the lunch table. But alas!

“Isha?”

……

She looked at her. Something was wrong.

“Mom…”

……

“I’m in love with someone else.” Isha started to shiver in humiliation and uncertainty.

……

“Mom, say something!”

“Who?” She chewed the word out but it came out only as a whisper but audible enough in the startled home.

“Surya”

“Your school-mate?”

Isha shook her head in affirmation. Tears rolled down her cheeks.

……

“Mom, I know this means nothing. I should not have gone out with him today. If I hadn’t gone to my batch meet and today, I wouldn’t have had to overtly confront my feelings now.” Isha broke down and ran to her room to cry her heart out.

She was shocked. The incidents that were happening were too drastic to react normal.

She walked to Isha’s room where Veer’s portrait adorned the main wall.

“Isha. Get up!” She made Isha sit up.

“Mom, that doesn’t mean I didn’t love Veer.”

……

“Mom please forgive me. I didn’t plan this at all.”

“Isha, wait.”

“It is just a year since Veer left us in the accident. I feel so small.” Isha kept weeping.

“Does Surya love you too?”

“Yes mom. But, why does it matter, Mom? What will people say?”

She pacified herself with a deep breath.

“Isha, people will talk with what they see and not the truth. Why do we have to talk about people who don’t know the facts?”

“Mom, Veer was your only son. We married against your will. But you accepted us, unlike my parents. How can I bring so much shame to you, by bringing someone else in here?” Isha wept helplessly.

She smiled slowly.

“Veer is gone, Isha. It has been over a year now. You were everything to Veer and Veer was everything to me. Now, you are my horizon, dear.” She hugged Isha comfortably.

Isha’s weeps started to fade as their bond thickened in love.

“Isha…”

“Hmmm?”


“When are you getting Surya home?”

Any-moment-ending-life!

I was driving back home, at ease.


I had started early and the traffic was not heavy too. Ram was not well and it was a good opportunity for me to be home and spend time with him.


At a junction near Guindy, I slowed down seeing the signal color change from green to amber. I was sure that I would not make it. I was driving in the second lane and another two-wheeler to my left, slowed down too.


Just then, an auto raced past me, on my right. At the same instant, a white kitten crossed from my left and went past my lane, right under the auto. The driver did not notice and went ahead to cross the signal, in red.


The kitten was ran over. It was pouncing and withering in pain, in front of my eyes. It squirmed from side to side and then twisted unnaturally. It throbbed up and down and was spilling blood from its mouth, in every pound. The sight was horrible to witness and something in me was pushing me to drive again on it, to end its pain.


After a few minutes of throbbing, the kitten lay there lifelessly.


A rider next to me, went ahead to move the carcass of the cute little one to the road divider side. He dropped it to the shrubs and tried to check if it was still alive. I walked across the road, right behind him, unaware of the traffic around, my eyes stuck to the cute little one; now, the dead, hurt, deformed, bleeding one.


My eyes were filling up. I looked at that person, not sure what I was expecting to hear.


“Poiduchu ma. Mudinjuduchu.” (“It is done. Over.”) Tears went down my cheeks.


I offered my water bottle, to wash his bloody palms. I took a quick peek of the little one and walked back to my bike.


I started to sense the surrounding noise. My bike was right at the middle of the busy road. Right behind me was a company bus followed by cars. I drove ahead to the signal, which was still in red. The entire scene was done within one traffic signal change. However, it felt like a very long time.


May be if the auto driver was a little careful…
May be if the left side rider and I had not slowed down…
The kitten would have been alive.


Not sure, if its mother was around…
Not sure, if it saw the incident…
Not sure, if auto driver saw the kitten coming…
Not sure at all…


The incident went on in a loop in my mind, until I reached home. When I saw Ram, I could not control my tears. I thought about the mother cat, which would be expecting the kitten to be home.

The wait of the mother cat, was tending to infinity.

The next moment of life is very uncertain. It is what which makes life interesting and scary too. If I had been the one, whom the auto had hit, then that would have been the end of my chase. Over and out!

A friend of mine always says, “The son who could not express his love, to his dead dad, ask him the worth of every single minute that he lost.”

Take time to cherish the beautiful life that we are bestowed with. Speak to people in pain; help them out. Enjoy everything around. Live this moment.

Spread love. Smile. Be thankful. Apologize, even if you are not wrong. Fight but patch up immediately. Look forward to share happiness and sorrow. Lend a shoulder whenever possible. Be there for anyone in need.

Understand that, we might never get a chance to meet our loved ones again…


Because…


It is one-unbelievably-uncertain-any-moment-ending life!

Emotions

“Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed & hope to fall asleep before you fall apart” ~ William C. Hannan



Sometimes we want to giggle and laugh…

Sometimes we want to wink and tease…

Sometimes we want is to lay there and do nothing…

Sometimes we want to run away somewhere…

Sometimes we just want to scream at the top of our voice, silently…

Sometimes we want to laugh it out…

Sometimes we want to get over it, in few tears…

Sometimes we want to suppress and behave as though nothing happened…

Sometimes we want to fight for ours…

Sometimes we just let go of it, as though, it was never ours…

Sometimes we cling to it and shudder within…



Emotions are ours. It is only ours. It is true and so natural. It is what which is alive.


Emotions are what make us humans. Something without emotions is a synonym for non-living. I read somewhere ‘Emotions make a person weak’ but it is a half-truth. Maybe our emotions, sometimes, hold us back from doing something or put us into a confusing state but we must also comprehend that these same emotions often assist us in finding a better solution.


Being emotional is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is a natural, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for being alive and attached. Emotional people are more close to the natural unadulterated us. They have intuitions and can sense them too. Their gut-feel is strong and precise. It is a voice from within, which actually speaks not for being heard but to be felt. It is can be audible enough for the owner to be distracted. It is mostly the answer for the problem, which the brain and heart are still figuring out.


Emotions need not wither our inner strength; it can shed the unwanted wrappers glued around our core and bring to light the original us. It can lighten us; enlighten us. It is what is natural to us. When emotions, over power us, it when we need to channel them. We need not suppress them; if done it will outburst with greater clumsiness. Never hesitate to show emotions but never forget to channel them.



Because…



Emotions are what, that are natural…

Emotions are what, that mark us alive…

My confession

My confession:

Learnings are a part of our life. They get in us something that we did not possess till-date, be it good or bad. They tune us and make us something new. Last 24 months of my life have got in me, most desperately necessary changes, which I ought to carry throughout my life. Brand new learnings from few special ones.

I was not at all sure!

What is life? What life could be? What should I do with it?

How I am supposed to respond to life? Should I do something about it?


I was very emotionally fragile and confused. I remained in my teens mentally, even after entering my 30s. I was crude, unprocessed, un-molded, and un-groomed; as someone who cannot continue live as the same as they grow, either professionally or actually. I considered being the same, the best what I could do for myself.

Zina Harrington, the founder of ‘UnBusy’ movement quotes frequently: “Ditch Stuff. Live Life.”

She propagates three rules for better life.

1. Changing our relationship with LIFE.

2. Changing our relationship with STUFF.

3. Changing our relationship with MONEY and its source.



Point 2 and 3 were never points of concern for me. I had always been following minimalism not actually knowing what it meant when it came to STUFF. Money, not a great concern again; I was neither attached nor detached. I was at norm. However, my problem was my relationship with LIFE.

Ufff…

Looking back, it seems like a great roller coaster.

Life by itself is very uncertain, my clumsiness with it complicated it further, and it sat right in front of me as moron. It was neither easy nor great. It was neither interesting nor acceptable. Day in and out, I pushed myself through the bland and monotonous life schedule which ditched me to boredom further. It felt like I was too busy every minute but every night used to close down on me with more void. I had dived so deeper into incompleteness, trying to be what I could never be. I missed what I had to see, messed it all up. I forgot to laugh and live.

When I was trying to understand my relationship with life, the second part of the third rule broke further. I indeed started losing track of what I have to do at work and once I lost the pace, I never could speed back to be at par with my mates. It further hitched me to clumsiness and the professional fall became steeper.

Zina insists on great friends at work especially for women.
“Every woman needs at least one friend whom they can talk with for hours, yet when parting ways, there’s still so much to say!” she writes. Fingers crossed, I think, I am three times lucky.

I have always had / made good friends and bonding was never a hiccup, since my childhood. Breaking the ice was an easy task for me and then on, it went as a cakewalk. Now, as in, in my early thirties, the rush was volatile and fluctuating strangely. I was longing for a bond but not continue or survive it. It felt very necessary sometimes and very unnecessary otherwise. I wanted to be pampered but was not able to accept it. I became clumsy but could not a face it.

I desperately needed a godfather.

I needed emotional support, carrier guidance and a friendly shoulder to lean upon and forget my aging.

This was when I found one attractive charisma at work. It was very inviting to be a part of the glow and indeed interesting to be a part of the positive aura. We bonded very quickly.

There came another positive figure into the limelight that the ‘attractive charisma’ pointed to. The ‘Positive figure’ never showed the pressure on its shoulders to the world that it ruled.

Then, there came in another cool buddy, who had already started marching towards most IT people’s dream. He strived hard for his dream and kept the trend’s pace on its heels.



Three people. SG, AR and J.



Thanks guys! For turning me into what I am today.

You are the source of my positivity and the reason behind my smile. You taught me what it is to live and not just count days. You shouldered when I needed the grip and let me free when I needed the space. You tamed me and made me ready for the next phase of my life and career. You have cultivated in me good things that I never possessed. You made me see what all good I had and to love my family and my love, unconditionally. You made me smile and accept well than what I used to. Your guidance and suggestions always worked wonders in my case.

@J, thanks for accepting me into your family and for your career guidance and life suggestions. You and R are always welcomed at our home.

@AR, thanks buddy. Things you have done, they mean a lot. You will be missed way too much. Especially on skype.

Last but not the least,

@SG, all that I am, is owed at your feet.


Will miss you all!



Lots of luv,
Hema

Be Happy!

How does it feel?

- When you are doing a series of activities like what a robot does?

- When you adhere to the expected timelines and complete work on time?

- When you flunk in an easy paper?

- When you go on a most expected movie date?

- When you finish feeding your kid earlier than usual?

- When you read your favorite book during me-time?

- When you shop for your loved ones?

- When you get drenched in rain?

- When you click a beautiful shot?

- When you wake up middle of the night for no reason?

- When you stamp on an insect unknowingly?

- When you are not able to cope up with the toddler tantrum?

- When you miss someone?


Aren’t the above a mixture of emotions?
However, why do we feel so?
Have you ever thought why do we feel so?

Why does it have to hurt to flunk in an easy paper?

Why does it have to feel happy to finish work on time?

Are you actually happy that you finished, as it was expected or did the finish, actually make you happy?

Why does it feel grave to not being able to handle tantrums?

After a few years, why does it become tolerable and after a few more years, why do the memories feel good?

Are the memories supposed to change from intolerable to memorable? Is it what is expected?

Does it feel good because, it met its expectations?

Does meeting expectations always feel good?

If yes, why doesn’t it feel good to keep up with managerial pokes intrusions at work place?

If no, then why do we try to meet others’ expectations and why do we expect?


What can we do to keep ourselves happy? What not to do?

Does happiness line up with something to “do” always?

Can’t we be happy? Just “be” happy?

Why does happiness have to be a state or milestone to attain?

Why does it have to happen? Why can’t it just “be there”? Why should it come to us? Why does it have to stay / go?

Why has pursuit of happiness been a goal? Why doesn’t it happen? Why should we pursue it?

Why not be still and content? Why not be the same? Why not be happy, anyhow?




When we start realizing that happiness has nothing to do with anything that we do, and it is a state of mind, which we have to enrich and cherish, that is when we will be happy.

Happiness will grow from within and it will extend its branches and roots across, sit splendidly beautifully in your mind, and leave you less receptible to worldly haunts and taunts. It will stay within, strong.



Be happy!



I’m slowly learning that even if I react,
it won’t change anything,
it won’t make people suddenly love and respect me,
it won’t magically change their minds.
Sometimes it is better to just let things be…
let people go, don’t fight for closure,
don’t ask for explanations,
don’t chase answers and don’t expect people
to understand where you’re coming from.
I’m slowly learning that life is better lived
when you don’t center it on what’s happening around you
and center it on what’s happening inside you instead.
Work on yourself and your inner peace…

~ Rania Naim

Embrace Everyone!

Every entity has 2 sections to it.

Day and Night; Good and Bad;

Bright and Dark; Black and white;

Every coin has 2 sides to it; Agreed. But does the 2 sides alone make the coin complete? Hmmm?

There is a small layer in between those two layers of the coin which also constitutes to the completeness of the coin. Between day and night, there is a time named evening which is a transition from day to night. Between good and bad, there is something called neutral. Between bright and dark, there is translucency. Between black and white, there is grey, which is a combination of both white and black. The transition layer is also natural and normal. It is an obvious but a non-prominent layer. It completes the entity giving it a final touch.

But is this important section given its due importance? In all the genres of its presence?

Trans people form a very minimum % of our society. They have kept themselves hidden from the limelight to escape the scornful tease and ubiquitous torture. They are made to believe that they are abnormal and are dirty part of human race. They are convinced that their creation was a mistake and are not gifted enough to be a part of the norm. But is it necessary to be a part of the usual-mediocre-most-group always?

Being in the scanty population is not wrong and something to be depressed about. But where did these people inherit the insecure and incomplete feeling from?

Weren’t we the ones who looked at them in a different way?

Weren’t we the ones who made them feel odd?

Weren’t we the ones who looked down at them?

Weren’t we the ones who broke their peace?

Say the society is divided into 3 sections; men, women and trans. While the first two constitute to 98%, the latter constitutes to the so minimal 2%. We are in an age which is seeing women, who constitute to almost 50% of the whole, moving out of homes to pursue their interests. But there aren’t social structures which can support their new born or kids, as we have moved out of the joint family structures.

When there is lack of amenities to assist the-50%-of-the-whole, women, what is the state of the minimal minority, the trans? They neither have social features to embrace them nor they have exposure and openings to learn from. They are being devoid of any possibility of their improvement.

They have nowhere to go and none to speak to except for their own lot. We complain that they are being harsh on themselves and handling self without esteem. We brood that they have spoiled their lives by not striving higher. Is it only their means and methods which caused them trouble?

Is it only them? Don’t we have any role to play in their lives? Didn’t we complicate their lives?

It should have been us the majority, who should have shared our openings with them and embraced them as norm. We should have eased their way out by not handling them in a weird manner.

In the contemporary society, though transgenders strive to perfection and success, the tag that they carry ‘Trans-gender’, takes them so away from the opportunities. It stops them from attaining greater heights. There are trans-genders who have taken the discomfort that we have inculcated against them, to demand money. If this continues, trans people will become the most mentally vulnerable and socially intolerable people.

We as a part of the majority, should first remove the mental obstruction which we have created over the span that trans-gender people are abnormal. We should acknowledge and respect them as norm. We should remove the negative feeling along the word transgenders. They should be endowed with greater openings and opportunities.

We should give due respect to the non-obvious but natural section of the society so that the next generations grow hand in hand with them, acknowledging them as normal human beings. Embracing all people is the only means by which we can create a happy tolerant healthy society!


Live and let live!!