Monday, January 30, 2012
In me is you
My wings are ready to fly...
My mind says to retry...
But my heart just ready to cry...
And my eyes completely dry...
I stay lost in thoughts day and night...
Never in track of sound and light...
When people say to sleep tight...
I just try to my might...
Dark dreams poke... Weird characters mock...
Nights seem endless... Tear lines not less...
Emptiness all around... Pain no bound...
Nights crawl with no sound...
My heart holds you as a deep wound...
All I think is only about you...
All that matters is only you...
Because in me is you...
And I still love you...
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Giving Up
Pranathi had given a missed call to Swetha to wish for her “Thala Pongal”. It was more than 48 hours and she hadn’t received a call till then.
Pranathi was desperate to talk to her for many reasons including the fact that she was under tremendous pressure to accept one among few alliances chosen by her parents. In spite of telling her parents that she was in love with her best friend, they seemed to be least bothered about her state of mind.
Pranathi always felt that Swetha was the best person to whom she could share her inner most feeling and thought. Their talking continued even after - Swetha was married; Swetha moved to the US with her hubby; Swetha was physically ill.
Swetha and Pranathi were school classmates in their higher secondary and by luck Pranathi moved into the same apartment as that of Swetha during her TCS Mumbai tenure. They became very close friends from then.
Pranathi took a transfer to Chennai due to her family conditions and she was followed by Swetha for medical reasons. Swe had some critical complications in her reproductive system due to which she had to undergo an operation for the same. The operation was successful but she was advised to get married and moved ahead as soon as possible due to the criticality.
Badri, whom Swe’s parents had chosen for her was really a very sweet fellow. His dad had passed away a few months before when they both got engaged. Their family was very supportive with respect to Swetha’s health conditions and the marriage was fixed.
Swe had presented Pranu with a saree for her marriage. Pranu took the best initiative to look the best in Swe’s marriage. After all, she was the “Mana Penn Thozi”. Days before the marriage weren’t as happy as expected for Swe as she suffered from fever and neck gland swelling due to excessive cold. She had to be moved to the marriage hall directly from the hospital.
Pranu got a gold ring for Swe and made herself available for Swe’s betrothal (the day before her marriage). Pranu’s cousin passed away on the day of the marriage so she left just after the marriage ceremony. She couldn’t attend the reception and she hadn’t worn the saree till then.
Pranu felt the pink saree which sat still packed, in the top shelf of her bero. Her eyes moistened.
The newly married couple left to Maldives for honeymoon. The trip also didn’t turn out to be a success as Swe couldn’t get accustomed to the change in climate.
Swe moved to Bangalore with her in-laws after the trip. Just then, she underwent various tests at one of the leading test lab in Bangalore for her swollen gland. The tests proved negative for cancer and TB. It was identified to be viral infection and the entire family sat back and breathed.
After a few days of her trial to become normal, she slipped and fell in the bathroom. After undergoing pain for a week’s time, she was admitted to the hospital for verification. There came down another blow: Her neck and spine had got damaged due to incorrect sitting posture or excessive travel. Her neck muscle had become very vulnerable and strained due to which her hand and shoulder had swollen.
She was advised complete bed rest for duration of 3 months. Badri and her in-laws supported her and helped her to overcome the stress. Badri had to travel to the US on an urgent official work. Swe stayed back due to her health conditions.
Badri came back to India for performing the final rituals of his dad. During the visit, Badri got all the documents ready for Swe’s travel with him to the US. The travel was confirmed after verification with the doctors.
The couple moved to SunnyWales and the family relaxed a bit expecting the change in location as a positive sign towards Swe’s health. Badri very soon got in touch with few doctors about her health and she underwent many check-ups. She was suggested physiotherapy as the only option but was informed that it would be a very gradual slow recovery process as her condition was close to operating state.
Pranu and Swe spoke at least for few hours in a week. They nourished their relationship through the telecommunication technologies. Their bond thickened unusually quickly.
Pranathi’s mobile vibrated and then hummed “Nalam vazha” guitar tune. Her face brightened.
“Swe...” Pranathi pitched her voice a bit high.
“Hello...” A cracked voice spoke from the other end.
“What happened dear?” Pranu enquired.
“Acute pain” was the reply.
“Why suddenly?” Pranathi questioned.
“I am fed up Pranu. I have been undergoing pain for the past 1 year and even after coming here things did not turn up as expected. I am supposed to be here for helping Badri but I am causing more trouble to him. He does everything including cooking. The most irritating fact is that I am not even letting him sleep at nights as the pain shoots up at that time. I scream and cry all through the night and Badri stays up to give me company. I sleep off just before the dawn and he leaves for work completing all the household work. I feel so useless. I came with him here to support him but what is happening is the reverse. I have become a burden to everyone around me.” Swe completed with a sniff. It continued and became weeps.
Pranathi took a long breathe. Swetha’s argument was perfectly logical. But she felt, Swe was lacking something trivial but very basic and important. Pranathi tried to analyze.
‘She has given up...!’ – Pranathi’s heart poked through her thought process. She started speaking.
“Swe dear, relax. I don’t mean to say what you say is wrong. But I just feel you have given up. Right?”
“Hmmm... May be.”
“Swe, Let me narrate an incident. You know that I lost my left index finger in an accident right?”
“Yes”
“Let me narrate it completely. It happened on Feb 21, 2005 close to 7:30 in the evening. It was a Sunday. I was taken to a hospital close by for first aid and immediate patch up. The doctors there tried to stitch the amputed finger. They gave me 6 injections for pain relief and 21 stitches in the amputed area. After waiting for an hour, the reflexive reaction tests proved negative, which meant the amputed section had lost sensation. The hospital wasn’t holding specialists in plastic surgery. So they moved me to another hospital which was supposed to be specializing in plastic surgery. Time was 9:30 pm when they admitted me.”
Pranathi continued. “My parents were informed by 8:45 while I was being moved to the speciality hospital. So, they were not able to catch the Blue mountain train. They caught the next train and reached at 7 am next morning. The operation was supposed to be done within 6 hours of amputation to assure sure patch up. The operation was scheduled at 11:45 in the night.” Pranathi breathed. Her legs felt weak and so she sat down.
“A nurse got me a wheel chair to move me to the operation theatre. I offered to walk. I walked to the operation theatre and sat on the operation table. The nurse gave me a local anesthetia and asked me to relax and sleep. I looked around and the time was 40 minutes past mid night.”
“When I opened my eyes next time 3 doctors were working on my amputed area. I kept talking to them about everything that came to my mind. Suddenly I told them that my left elbow was feeling very chill. After a few minutes, I told them that i was feeling a sensation of tickle in my left wrist. One of the doctors panicked and injected me another local anesthesia. They said, the duration of the dosage was supposed to be for 4 hours but had lost the effect due to excessive pressure and stress.”
“After sometime the doctors showed the sign of victory to me and walked out. I relaxed assuming everything was fine. The clock was racing towards 2:30 AM. They hospital staff moved me to post operation ward. I tried opening my eyes and saw a few known figures which included none of my blood relations. I saw two of my friends, my local guardian, hostel warden and few of my college staff. I spoke a few words and dozed off.”
“When I woke up the next morning, my friends helped me to brush my teeth and got something to drink. Then the head doctor walked into the room and asked others to leave. He sat close to me and started speaking. He informed me that the amputed section of finger had lost the sensation and so they couldn’t fix it back. What they had done was removed flesh and skin from the same finger and closed the finger opening. I tried to understand. He further said that growth of the finger or the nail was not going to be possible as the tissues had got completely smashed. He said that my finger would be 8mm less than the usual and looked into my eyes. My eyes were full of tears. I thought for a minute and told him not to tell my parents regarding the finger amputation.”
“My dad visited me close to 8:30 am and started crying. I consoled him asked him to discharge me as soon as possible and to take me to Chennai. I reached Chennai the next day amidst acute pain. My parents didn’t know about the loss of finger till the doctors suggested for removal of the bandage which was in the last week of March. I am still undergoing shocking sensation in the finger and it is going to persist through my life. I am not using my left index for anything and is useless even to hold a pencil.”
Pranathi closed her eyes and handled her emotional stage. She spoke again.
“If we are undergoing pain, it is only us who has to. There cannot be a substitute for us. People with us can just support us. They might try to understand our pain but they actually cannot. We have to face it and there is no other option for it. We shouldn’t give up our hope and confidence. They add up to our strength to withstand pain. They help us to overcome the pain as soon as possible. We have to be grateful to God for giving us people to support to us in case of pain. There are millions of people who do not have anyone to support them. They don’t have a shoulder to lean on. They don’t have a friend to share. They don’t have a hubby to cook for them. They don’t have parents to pray for them. They don’t have money to undergo tests. They don’t even have an opportunity to visit the doctor. We have them all. We are gifted Swe...”
“Thank you so much Pranu.” Swe’s voice was full of live and emotions. She cut the call after a few more minutes of talking.
Pranathi closed her eyes and tried to recollect whatever she had spoken a few minutes back. May be it was not for Swe alone, but for her too...
Pranathi was desperate to talk to her for many reasons including the fact that she was under tremendous pressure to accept one among few alliances chosen by her parents. In spite of telling her parents that she was in love with her best friend, they seemed to be least bothered about her state of mind.
Pranathi always felt that Swetha was the best person to whom she could share her inner most feeling and thought. Their talking continued even after - Swetha was married; Swetha moved to the US with her hubby; Swetha was physically ill.
Swetha and Pranathi were school classmates in their higher secondary and by luck Pranathi moved into the same apartment as that of Swetha during her TCS Mumbai tenure. They became very close friends from then.
Pranathi took a transfer to Chennai due to her family conditions and she was followed by Swetha for medical reasons. Swe had some critical complications in her reproductive system due to which she had to undergo an operation for the same. The operation was successful but she was advised to get married and moved ahead as soon as possible due to the criticality.
Badri, whom Swe’s parents had chosen for her was really a very sweet fellow. His dad had passed away a few months before when they both got engaged. Their family was very supportive with respect to Swetha’s health conditions and the marriage was fixed.
Swe had presented Pranu with a saree for her marriage. Pranu took the best initiative to look the best in Swe’s marriage. After all, she was the “Mana Penn Thozi”. Days before the marriage weren’t as happy as expected for Swe as she suffered from fever and neck gland swelling due to excessive cold. She had to be moved to the marriage hall directly from the hospital.
Pranu got a gold ring for Swe and made herself available for Swe’s betrothal (the day before her marriage). Pranu’s cousin passed away on the day of the marriage so she left just after the marriage ceremony. She couldn’t attend the reception and she hadn’t worn the saree till then.
Pranu felt the pink saree which sat still packed, in the top shelf of her bero. Her eyes moistened.
The newly married couple left to Maldives for honeymoon. The trip also didn’t turn out to be a success as Swe couldn’t get accustomed to the change in climate.
Swe moved to Bangalore with her in-laws after the trip. Just then, she underwent various tests at one of the leading test lab in Bangalore for her swollen gland. The tests proved negative for cancer and TB. It was identified to be viral infection and the entire family sat back and breathed.
After a few days of her trial to become normal, she slipped and fell in the bathroom. After undergoing pain for a week’s time, she was admitted to the hospital for verification. There came down another blow: Her neck and spine had got damaged due to incorrect sitting posture or excessive travel. Her neck muscle had become very vulnerable and strained due to which her hand and shoulder had swollen.
She was advised complete bed rest for duration of 3 months. Badri and her in-laws supported her and helped her to overcome the stress. Badri had to travel to the US on an urgent official work. Swe stayed back due to her health conditions.
Badri came back to India for performing the final rituals of his dad. During the visit, Badri got all the documents ready for Swe’s travel with him to the US. The travel was confirmed after verification with the doctors.
The couple moved to SunnyWales and the family relaxed a bit expecting the change in location as a positive sign towards Swe’s health. Badri very soon got in touch with few doctors about her health and she underwent many check-ups. She was suggested physiotherapy as the only option but was informed that it would be a very gradual slow recovery process as her condition was close to operating state.
Pranu and Swe spoke at least for few hours in a week. They nourished their relationship through the telecommunication technologies. Their bond thickened unusually quickly.
Pranathi’s mobile vibrated and then hummed “Nalam vazha” guitar tune. Her face brightened.
“Swe...” Pranathi pitched her voice a bit high.
“Hello...” A cracked voice spoke from the other end.
“What happened dear?” Pranu enquired.
“Acute pain” was the reply.
“Why suddenly?” Pranathi questioned.
“I am fed up Pranu. I have been undergoing pain for the past 1 year and even after coming here things did not turn up as expected. I am supposed to be here for helping Badri but I am causing more trouble to him. He does everything including cooking. The most irritating fact is that I am not even letting him sleep at nights as the pain shoots up at that time. I scream and cry all through the night and Badri stays up to give me company. I sleep off just before the dawn and he leaves for work completing all the household work. I feel so useless. I came with him here to support him but what is happening is the reverse. I have become a burden to everyone around me.” Swe completed with a sniff. It continued and became weeps.
Pranathi took a long breathe. Swetha’s argument was perfectly logical. But she felt, Swe was lacking something trivial but very basic and important. Pranathi tried to analyze.
‘She has given up...!’ – Pranathi’s heart poked through her thought process. She started speaking.
“Swe dear, relax. I don’t mean to say what you say is wrong. But I just feel you have given up. Right?”
“Hmmm... May be.”
“Swe, Let me narrate an incident. You know that I lost my left index finger in an accident right?”
“Yes”
“Let me narrate it completely. It happened on Feb 21, 2005 close to 7:30 in the evening. It was a Sunday. I was taken to a hospital close by for first aid and immediate patch up. The doctors there tried to stitch the amputed finger. They gave me 6 injections for pain relief and 21 stitches in the amputed area. After waiting for an hour, the reflexive reaction tests proved negative, which meant the amputed section had lost sensation. The hospital wasn’t holding specialists in plastic surgery. So they moved me to another hospital which was supposed to be specializing in plastic surgery. Time was 9:30 pm when they admitted me.”
Pranathi continued. “My parents were informed by 8:45 while I was being moved to the speciality hospital. So, they were not able to catch the Blue mountain train. They caught the next train and reached at 7 am next morning. The operation was supposed to be done within 6 hours of amputation to assure sure patch up. The operation was scheduled at 11:45 in the night.” Pranathi breathed. Her legs felt weak and so she sat down.
“A nurse got me a wheel chair to move me to the operation theatre. I offered to walk. I walked to the operation theatre and sat on the operation table. The nurse gave me a local anesthetia and asked me to relax and sleep. I looked around and the time was 40 minutes past mid night.”
“When I opened my eyes next time 3 doctors were working on my amputed area. I kept talking to them about everything that came to my mind. Suddenly I told them that my left elbow was feeling very chill. After a few minutes, I told them that i was feeling a sensation of tickle in my left wrist. One of the doctors panicked and injected me another local anesthesia. They said, the duration of the dosage was supposed to be for 4 hours but had lost the effect due to excessive pressure and stress.”
“After sometime the doctors showed the sign of victory to me and walked out. I relaxed assuming everything was fine. The clock was racing towards 2:30 AM. They hospital staff moved me to post operation ward. I tried opening my eyes and saw a few known figures which included none of my blood relations. I saw two of my friends, my local guardian, hostel warden and few of my college staff. I spoke a few words and dozed off.”
“When I woke up the next morning, my friends helped me to brush my teeth and got something to drink. Then the head doctor walked into the room and asked others to leave. He sat close to me and started speaking. He informed me that the amputed section of finger had lost the sensation and so they couldn’t fix it back. What they had done was removed flesh and skin from the same finger and closed the finger opening. I tried to understand. He further said that growth of the finger or the nail was not going to be possible as the tissues had got completely smashed. He said that my finger would be 8mm less than the usual and looked into my eyes. My eyes were full of tears. I thought for a minute and told him not to tell my parents regarding the finger amputation.”
“My dad visited me close to 8:30 am and started crying. I consoled him asked him to discharge me as soon as possible and to take me to Chennai. I reached Chennai the next day amidst acute pain. My parents didn’t know about the loss of finger till the doctors suggested for removal of the bandage which was in the last week of March. I am still undergoing shocking sensation in the finger and it is going to persist through my life. I am not using my left index for anything and is useless even to hold a pencil.”
Pranathi closed her eyes and handled her emotional stage. She spoke again.
“If we are undergoing pain, it is only us who has to. There cannot be a substitute for us. People with us can just support us. They might try to understand our pain but they actually cannot. We have to face it and there is no other option for it. We shouldn’t give up our hope and confidence. They add up to our strength to withstand pain. They help us to overcome the pain as soon as possible. We have to be grateful to God for giving us people to support to us in case of pain. There are millions of people who do not have anyone to support them. They don’t have a shoulder to lean on. They don’t have a friend to share. They don’t have a hubby to cook for them. They don’t have parents to pray for them. They don’t have money to undergo tests. They don’t even have an opportunity to visit the doctor. We have them all. We are gifted Swe...”
“Thank you so much Pranu.” Swe’s voice was full of live and emotions. She cut the call after a few more minutes of talking.
Pranathi closed her eyes and tried to recollect whatever she had spoken a few minutes back. May be it was not for Swe alone, but for her too...
Monday, January 9, 2012
Twist
She was a very sweet person.
She considered the perception of everyone.
She put herself in others shoes and decided.
She was very caring from heart.
She was approachable always.
She was very lovable.
She was punctual most of the times.
She used to complete every single responsibility of hers before she left to her office. Even there she was admired as one among the best.
She used to go behind her principles which were always towards the perfection. She was almost a perfectionist.
She was sensitive, emotional and sentimental and she was harsh by action. She used to keep pointing out the mistakes done be anybody for that matter of fact.
She used to cry to sleep most of the times when there were fights with her dear ones. But her tears were never heard.
She handled everything in her life by herself. She faced all problems single handed.
She had a very clean thought about life. Principles made her living. When she had to choose between a person and principle, she chose the latter. Always…
She always wanted things around her to be perfect just the way she was. But when it wasn’t up to her expectations she yelled at others. What was important to her was perfection not the person who was doing it.
She sustained all the pain and problems just for her daughter. Not that her daughter was the top of her priority list, but she wanted to mould her daughter just the way she was not or the way she wanted to be. A Winner…
She wanted her daughter to be the way she wanted to be or the way she dreamt about herself. She tried pushing her dreams to her daughter but most of the times failed. Failures started making her more rigid, stubborn and harsh.
Her daughter confessed to her she was in love with a person who was younger to her by few weeks.
Another failure… She wasn’t ready to give up then. She fought. She yelled. She wounded everyone.
She believed in predictions rather than words or prayers. Horoscope matching was more important to her than her daughter’s conscience.
She stuck to her belief of dharma (not that she was wrong) when her daughter tried to prove her love. The daughter’s request was not heard at all as she clung to her principles and beliefs about marriage.
Seconds… Minutes… Hours… Days… Weeks… Months… A year passed by…
She still stuck to her principles.
The daughter had to choose between her love and her mom. She didn’t explain anything to her love but just cut off her contacts with him.
They moved to another home away from their previous.
She searched for a ‘horoscope matching’ guy for the daughter. She presented the guy to the daughter for her approval and what she got was just a head shake as acknowledgement.
She hoped that the daughter got out of her love. She prayed for the daughter’s memory loss.
The marriage was fixed and happened as per her dreams.
She got the daughter married to the guy (of her choice). Her first victory…
She lay in her bed that night and her heart was peaceful for the first time ever in her life. She rejoiced about her first ever victory. She thanked her daughter and dozed off.
On the other hand…
The daughter stood out in the balcony staring at the moon.
She turned back to look at her husband who was sleeping. A stranger…
She felt her neck for some thread hanging. It was yellow in colour and had gold pendants.
She was tired after the long stressful day.
She was tired of acting.
She was tired of controlling her tears.
She looked at the moon again. Her eyes became wet.
She closed her eyes and tears rolled down her cheeks.
She searched her draw for something. Her face brightened when she got it.
There…
He looked at the fan which was swirling above his head.
He heard someone calling out his name but couldn’t see anyone around.
He opened the window and saw the moon.
His eyes became heavy and his throat went dry.
He searched his draw for something. His face brightened when he got it.
Next Day…
Obituary column:
The Guy : Time - 1 AM
&
The Daughter : Time - 1 AM
She considered the perception of everyone.
She put herself in others shoes and decided.
She was very caring from heart.
She was approachable always.
She was very lovable.
She was punctual most of the times.
She used to complete every single responsibility of hers before she left to her office. Even there she was admired as one among the best.
She used to go behind her principles which were always towards the perfection. She was almost a perfectionist.
She was sensitive, emotional and sentimental and she was harsh by action. She used to keep pointing out the mistakes done be anybody for that matter of fact.
She used to cry to sleep most of the times when there were fights with her dear ones. But her tears were never heard.
She handled everything in her life by herself. She faced all problems single handed.
She had a very clean thought about life. Principles made her living. When she had to choose between a person and principle, she chose the latter. Always…
She always wanted things around her to be perfect just the way she was. But when it wasn’t up to her expectations she yelled at others. What was important to her was perfection not the person who was doing it.
She sustained all the pain and problems just for her daughter. Not that her daughter was the top of her priority list, but she wanted to mould her daughter just the way she was not or the way she wanted to be. A Winner…
She wanted her daughter to be the way she wanted to be or the way she dreamt about herself. She tried pushing her dreams to her daughter but most of the times failed. Failures started making her more rigid, stubborn and harsh.
Her daughter confessed to her she was in love with a person who was younger to her by few weeks.
Another failure… She wasn’t ready to give up then. She fought. She yelled. She wounded everyone.
She believed in predictions rather than words or prayers. Horoscope matching was more important to her than her daughter’s conscience.
She stuck to her belief of dharma (not that she was wrong) when her daughter tried to prove her love. The daughter’s request was not heard at all as she clung to her principles and beliefs about marriage.
Seconds… Minutes… Hours… Days… Weeks… Months… A year passed by…
She still stuck to her principles.
The daughter had to choose between her love and her mom. She didn’t explain anything to her love but just cut off her contacts with him.
They moved to another home away from their previous.
She searched for a ‘horoscope matching’ guy for the daughter. She presented the guy to the daughter for her approval and what she got was just a head shake as acknowledgement.
She hoped that the daughter got out of her love. She prayed for the daughter’s memory loss.
The marriage was fixed and happened as per her dreams.
She got the daughter married to the guy (of her choice). Her first victory…
She lay in her bed that night and her heart was peaceful for the first time ever in her life. She rejoiced about her first ever victory. She thanked her daughter and dozed off.
On the other hand…
The daughter stood out in the balcony staring at the moon.
She turned back to look at her husband who was sleeping. A stranger…
She felt her neck for some thread hanging. It was yellow in colour and had gold pendants.
She was tired after the long stressful day.
She was tired of acting.
She was tired of controlling her tears.
She looked at the moon again. Her eyes became wet.
She closed her eyes and tears rolled down her cheeks.
She searched her draw for something. Her face brightened when she got it.
There…
He looked at the fan which was swirling above his head.
He heard someone calling out his name but couldn’t see anyone around.
He opened the window and saw the moon.
His eyes became heavy and his throat went dry.
He searched his draw for something. His face brightened when he got it.
Next Day…
Obituary column:
The Guy : Time - 1 AM
&
The Daughter : Time - 1 AM
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Because.. She still lives in me
My eyes stayed stuck to the key chain... Her name was imprinted on it...
My throat and ears hurt. I put it back in the draw and walked out of the room - A sign of incapacity to handle my emotional tremble. A wry smile played over my lips.
I locked my room and started to office. I moved close to my bike – Her image flashed in the back seat. I felt my heart skip a beat. I kicked my bike to start unable to kick her thoughts out. My heart and eyes still heavy with her memory.
My thoughts crawled:
It has been a few months since I met her. I did undergo the stage of depression and loneliness initially...
- unable to sleep
- unable to concentrate at work
- unable to mingle with friends
- unable to listen to songs
- unable to watch TV
- unable to participate in celebrations
- unable to get along with parents
- unable to accept the vacuum
- Actually - unable to let her go off my mind
It was all because of her. Because...
She was not a part of my life but she was it and made it worth and meaningful.
She did not add flavour to my life but she was the actual taste of it.
She did not love me but made me feel what love was.
She did not live with me but made me live life.
She just asked me one thing – to convince my parents for their marriage. I failed in the mission. Thanks to my dad and his ego. I ended up being alone – orphaned by fate – devoid of life in life.
But now things are not showing up. But the wound is not yet healed. The pain is invisible but is still alive.
Moving through the road everyday, my eyes always scan trying to find a location which does not remind me of her.
Every single smile, every single flower, every single drop of water, every single bike ride, every single night, every single song, everything reminds me of her.
She dominates me, my daily schedule, my life, my thoughts, my memories - my everything.
Because... She still lives in me...
My throat and ears hurt. I put it back in the draw and walked out of the room - A sign of incapacity to handle my emotional tremble. A wry smile played over my lips.
I locked my room and started to office. I moved close to my bike – Her image flashed in the back seat. I felt my heart skip a beat. I kicked my bike to start unable to kick her thoughts out. My heart and eyes still heavy with her memory.
My thoughts crawled:
It has been a few months since I met her. I did undergo the stage of depression and loneliness initially...
- unable to sleep
- unable to concentrate at work
- unable to mingle with friends
- unable to listen to songs
- unable to watch TV
- unable to participate in celebrations
- unable to get along with parents
- unable to accept the vacuum
- Actually - unable to let her go off my mind
It was all because of her. Because...
She was not a part of my life but she was it and made it worth and meaningful.
She did not add flavour to my life but she was the actual taste of it.
She did not love me but made me feel what love was.
She did not live with me but made me live life.
She just asked me one thing – to convince my parents for their marriage. I failed in the mission. Thanks to my dad and his ego. I ended up being alone – orphaned by fate – devoid of life in life.
But now things are not showing up. But the wound is not yet healed. The pain is invisible but is still alive.
Moving through the road everyday, my eyes always scan trying to find a location which does not remind me of her.
Every single smile, every single flower, every single drop of water, every single bike ride, every single night, every single song, everything reminds me of her.
She dominates me, my daily schedule, my life, my thoughts, my memories - my everything.
Because... She still lives in me...
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