Everything begins at Home

I stayed at the heart of Chennai – West Mambalam over the weekend with my parents. The weekend passed in a swish. We had gone to bed yesterday night as usual around 10:30PM after a warm chat. I was startled by the noise of my parents’ conversation. I looked up at the clock and it was close to 3AM!

Shocked, I requested my parents’ to get back to bed. Living in an apartment where there was a theft is difficult. It is even worse if someone had witnessed the same. Same had happened to my parents too. There was a theft at my place a month before and since then my parents had been having a bad time at the nights. I had to pacify my mom; comfort her and make her sense my warmth to get her back into the bed. After a struggle of 30min, she dozed off.

We welcomed the work week’s first morning with a power shutdown. Thank god, the water motor was already up and running when the power supply was cut. We tried managed most important morning chores without power supply. My dad placed a complaint with the TNEB for the supply as we identified that all the nearby apartments had power supply.

The EB person turned up in about 20min. The EB worker asked if my dad had placed the complaint. My dad answered affirmative. He walked off in a hurry. In a few minutes, the power was back. My dad said, ‘The EB worker will turn up to check if all is fine. If, he answers politely and doesn’t demand cash, give him this’ and lent me a 20 rupee note. I replied saying ‘Dad, bribing is wrong’. He replied saying, ‘We need to thank him for his politeness and on time action’. The EB worker got back and checked the power. When I offered him cash, he was a bit uneasy. I said ‘This is not a bribe. This is to appreciate your on-time support’. The worker took the cash and smiled heartily.

I bathed and got ready to leave to work. I noticed that, my mom was struggling with cooking and her other morning work. I helped her with some kitchen work so that she could catch up the initial time loss. When all the cooking was done, she sat down; took a deep breath and smiled at me.

There is a very well known proverb 'Charity begins at home'; a proverb that expresses the overriding demands of taking care of one's family, before caring for others. But, 'John Fletcher' used the phrase in the comedy 'Wit without Money' as, 'Charity and beating begins at home'.

I abide by the wordings of John Fletcher. All good and bad does begin at home. Our attitude towards the external world is manipulated by our internal world. How a child grows up to be a good / bad social being depends on the environment that he lives, which is his home. A person's tendency to help, to do things perfect, responsibility, attitude and emotional stability begins at his / her home.

So, maybe we should alter the old proverb as... "Everything begins at home!"

Gender Equality

We have been hearing phrases relating to gender equality very frequently at least in the near past. When did this inequality probe into our society? To make the question above more descriptive and attractive, when did it become a necessity for Eves to cover their bodies, when Adam and Eve were actually depicted naked in the ancient mythology?

There would have been a stage in our ancient civilizations where people hardly knew the term ‘inequality’. Men and women would have shared responsibility equally and the society flourishing with moral values and family bondage. The values flowed down the lineage imparting the goodness in every new addition to it.

Slowly, the male section of the society started to dominate and take advantage of the female section. The female section, obviously being physically weak and not very exposed to external / social changes and views started to depend on the male section. This gave the male more reasons to dominate. This domination should have been a positive one – trying to guide the weaker section, imparting knowledge and pulling them to an acceptably equal stage. But, it wasn’t so.

Rules, regulations and practices would have come into existence in the ancient years to make the living more meaningful and easy. I’m very sure that ancient human beings wouldn't have been so mean at heart.

Dowry system should have existed even in the very old years but it would have been from both sides (that is what I presume). The exchange must have come into existence for keeping the wealth in rotation within the society. But it changed as something that is to be given from the bride’s side.

Treating the groom as the savior of the family was perfect then because he used to be the bread winner of the family. He would be the one physically eligible to face any adverse condition. He would have been the intellectual source for the new family as he would have pursued more social knowledge and exposure. But dominating based on this idea pressured the women to ‘serve’ the men in the family even if they weren’t happy about it.

Emphasis on the male views and ideas started increasing exponentially, dropping the importance of female to lower levels. This dominating attitude pushed the so called weaker sex deeper into the darkness of insecurity, ignorance and humility. Girl babies were looked down as expenditure for the family leading to feticide and disproportionate male VS female counts. The female section just existed in the society for the sake of it but had no exposure to knowledge and enlightenment. They were grown up in the same mindset; they grew up to be blind followers of whatever was preached to them. They accepted it with no questions or arguments. Thanks to the male chauvinists!

In the current generation, perceptions and views are changing slowly. There are talks and demonstrations actively happening due to the initiatives taken by volunteers who speak for this equality. But are these fights true? Are these volunteers and trend setters working truly for the equality? How far have these fights and talks penetrated into the society? At their own homes?

Charity begins at home; so does social changes. It is easier to implement a change at home because it revolves around people who are emotionally involved with each other. Everyone can understand statements easily when quoted in reference with their family members.
What is happening to the female section at our homes?

If the female isn’t a working professional, she would slog her days trying to meet the family expectations, doing all the household chores, helping the seniors in the family in each and every thing, trying to put up a good show. If she is a working professional, she would rush through whatever she could (in most cases that would be more than what was done till then) and rush to office (in delay), putting her career interests behind. When the former faces more stings and words from the family, the latter gets lesser but similar stings from the family and her official counterparts.

As a part of our customs and traditions, the bride stays with her in-laws. As I have made that statement, I immediately get the question why should the girl be separated from her parents? If it is for building up a stronger bond with her husband, then the guy should also be away from his parents, so that the bond is strong at both the ends. If staying in a joint family is the custom, then the girl’s parents and the guy’s parents should live together or at least in always reachable distance so that the couple gets to spend equal time with both the families. Only then both the families are bound equally. We will be able to argue on many more points similar to that. But let us get back to our topic.

When the girl stays with her in laws, there would be frictions. If there is none, then it means that somebody is faking the relationship. It is very genuine to have difference of opinions, because everyone is different and have different perceptions. The girl is well educated, exposed to social changes and is very much self-aware. She was grown up like any other male. She is not too dependent on the male section at least not like the previous generation women. She has her own mindset, views, perceptions, likes and dislikes.

But when she interacts with her older in laws, she is actually trying to mingle with the previous generation. They have very different views on marriage bonds.

- They expect very visible respect and obedience.
- They will want a girl to treat their son / any male as a savior. But for the girl who is capably independent, it won’t fit.
- The girl will want her self respect and esteem to be untouched.
- She would respect her husband but maybe she will want to address him by his name just out of love.
- She would respect her in laws too. But will want equal respect for herself.

When she takes effort to do something, anything for that matter, she would expect everyone in the family to contribute for getting it done. She will not be ready to accept visual inequality in the name of gender. Acceptable, if the members (young or old) are not capable (physically or mentally), if otherwise she would not tolerate it at all. Absolutely no. When she contributes to all the aspects of living, starting from chores to risky or confidential decision making, she will obviously want the men to help her.

The older women are so much used to this inequality that they follow it blindly. But for the new girl, everything is new; starting from the people to practices. So, we cannot blame both of them. The entire responsibility belongs to the current generation men. They are the actual trend setters and game changers. They are aware of both the sides of the coin. They are educated and aware of the social trends. They must be capable enough to set things right for all the women at home. This will not only help the current generation girls, but also the previous which include their mothers too.

Everything is everybody’s when it comes to a family. There need not be any gender policing in the deeds. Everyone should be active and proactive. Most important of all, every member must be self-sufficient but stay dependent on the family. They must be ready to pick up and do anything as per the need of the hour. Inexperience in implementation can be overcome by timely suggestions and advice from the experienced group. Once the gender policing dilutes, equality will start establishing itself, strongly and deeply.


A historic change begins with a small revolutionary thought.
The thought has emerged; The massive change??

Necessities of victory - Biopic View

I have an inclination towards Biopics. I find them interesting, charismatic and very close to heart. For the fact that these movies revolve around characters which have established themselves in the challenging society, they do stimulate my inner energy.

Recently, I watched ‘Mary Kom’ movie at the theatres with Hari. In spite of the fact that, it was a hectic day, just the thought that we were going for a biopic boosted my mood. As all of us already know, the movie is about the Olympic winner – Mary Kom – a girl, very attracted towards ‘Boxing’.

In one of the initial scenes, Priyanka Chopra (PC) is asked to give 5 reasons to join boxing. She says ‘I love boxing’ 4 times and asks if she should give the fifth reason too. I was touched. The scene emphasized the importance of a burning desire to attain a dream.

PC joins the boxing club but still isn’t trained by the coach. She waits day and night at the boxing club just to get into the training. After which she is considered by the coach. Patience is very much necessary these days, from daily chores to attaining a dream.

PC is advised by her coach, explaining the Dos and Don’ts at boxing. He says that the boxing ring – is going to be her world thereafter. He further asks her to surrender totally to boxing. The speech explained about complete dedication to one’s goal.

PC’s family isn’t very well off. They sell their cow for their debts. PC understands her younger brother’s emotion towards the cow and decides to participate in a boxing competition, where she faces a guy – very well built, uncaring, boasting and villain type. She wins money to bring back the cow. Guts – we need it to face the society.

When PC accepts the marriage proposal from her friend, her coach becomes very angry with her. He says that, she had knocked herself out of her career. Absolute truth. Most of the girls / ladies put an end to their interests and hobbies once they are married. Neither the husbands nor the in-laws take effort to keep them up. The capacity and the skill is either cooked over the gas stove or cleansed in the dirty clothes and vessels in the bathroom.

Post marriage and delivery when PC tries to get back to sports, she faces a lot of hindrance – physically, mentally and socially. When she is let down by the ‘Boxing Federation’, her husband stands by her side and says ‘I’m not worried if the society makes fun of me. But, I cannot tolerate if they point fingers at you.’ He helps PC take care of the kids and helps her with all the household chores. The hero establishes the highest responsibility of a husband – lend shoulders, pacify and encourage the lady whenever necessary.

But most important of all, PC puts in hard work. She exhausts herself every day for her dream. She works for it. She dreams only about her dream. She wishes it and works towards it timelessly. And finally she attains the epitome of fame.

She is addressed as ‘Magnificent Mary’.

‘Mary Kom’ explains the necessities of victory very vibrantly.

- Burning desire
- Patience
- Dedication
- Guts
- Supportive soul mate
&
- Hard work

Mary Kom – a must watch for people who are looking for an inspiration.

Impact

I had planned to leave from work around 6:30 PM but as usual things started accumulating at the brink. It had just drizzled heavily and rain water had stagnated in the roads ends. I walked criss-cross, avoiding the puddles, very cautiously.

Suddenly, there was a heavy vehicle on high beam light which blinded my view. I closed my eyes and stood there like a statue. The vehicle turned around the corner in full speed and splashed the stagnated water over me. The vehicle raced off before I could even settle.

I looked at myself – wet, dirty and ugly. I decided to go home rather than to stay back and get myself cleaned. I walked to the bus stop which was close by, in utter discomfort. But more uneasiness was awaiting me.

The people in the bus stop looked down at me. The young girls giggled. The guys and boys ogled. The other just stared. They scanned me as though I had just evolved out of garbage. I had no choice except to pick the first auto and rush home.

Having survived the eyes of so many people, I had to struggle to fall asleep. In bed, I thought about people who had faced more intruding scanning - Rape Victims.

The amount of drama and trauma that they face is unimaginable. They undergo the extreme pain and discomfort - physically, mentally and socially. The society looks down at them like untouchables. They are no longer considered eligible for a normal life. The media blows up the matter to such an extent that the victims won’t have anything called privacy. They find themselves absolutely examined and explained. Everything is in the news – how they face the situation to how deep or where the physical wounds are.

A few questions popped up then.

- Why are the people who face the situation the center of attraction?
- Aren't the culprits supposed to be treated so?
- Is it the victim's fault always?
- Is there a necessity for such a dramatization?
- Are the people acting responsible?

And most important of all,
Is the incident causing them pain or the dramatization?
If the answer is both, which has higher impact?

Sunrise

This night is going to be pretty short for us – Hari and me.

Saturday nights are usually extended ones as we have the following day to rest. But this plan was devised only post dinner. We had to leave very early next morning, around 4:30 AM and now, it was already 11.30 PM. We hardly had 5 hours to sleep.

Being working professionals, both of us do not have enough time to sleep and share our thoughts. As Hari works in the second shift and at a distant location, he reaches home only close to midnight. So, sleeping is the only agenda for our weekends but even then, we end up somewhere else doing something else.

It had always been a fascination for us to spend time with the nature. For vacation, if given a choice, we would obviously prefer the nature-oriented destinations like beaches and parks where the environment is clean and serene rather than hi-fi shopping malls and power packed movies.

We had to choose – Sleep or Nature?

We weren’t very sure if we would wake up the next morning but we decided to sleep then. The alarm woke us up at 4:15 AM. We had a small conversation just then.

“What do we do?”
“I’m confused.”
“Me too!”

There was a brief silence. The second alarm rang – 4:17 AM.

“Chalo, let’s go.”

Hari said and sprang out of the bed within seconds. I was shocked. When getting up at 7:30 AM, to leave for work took him 20 more minutes to get out of the bed, it was indeed a great surprise for me to see him so energetic and decisive in such an early morning.

We refreshed ourselves and left home by 4:45 AM. We were sure that the one hour drive is going to be pretty smooth.

Destination: Marina beach.
Time: 5:40 AM.

We parked our vehicle and started walking towards the waves. It was the first time for both of us to see the beach in the morning. We walked slowly through the ivory colored granules. We sat close to the waves and watched.

The horizon started to color itself in bright orange. The clouds moved in steady pace. The breeze was soothing. The crabs crawled in and out of their holes. The crows and pigeons kept attempting for their breakfast. The waves rose and fell with vigor. Every wave caused bubbles from the crab holes.

The clock ticked 6. Now the sky was brighter.

Out of curiosity, we stood up, held hands and walked a few more steps towards the water. Shallow waves dodged our feet. The birds welcomed the day with their chirps. The horizon was now painted fully in bright yellow and orange. The clear blue sky contrasted the color. The clouds were nowhere seen.

Right at the middle of this huge volume of blue water mass, he peeped out strong and bright, indicating a brand new day.

Sunrise at the Marina beach.

Gender Policing

Wiki reads Gender Policing as: Enforcement of normative gender expressions on an individual who is perceived as not adequately performing, through appearance or behavior.

Gender Policing has steadied its roots in us; our views; and the society. It has grown along with us and now has become our norm!

What happens when a girl in her teen tells her parents that she wants to join her school sports team?
She will be instantly suggested to join art classes.
Why so? Because, Girls are supposed to prefer arts.

What happens when a guy cries?
He will be consoled saying: ‘Don’t cry. Be a man!’
Why so? Because, Guys are supposed to be strong.

Where does this “Supposed to be” analysis come from? Why does this generalization happen? Where does it start? Why can’t a girl join and excel in sports and martial arts? Why can’t a guy shed tears?

Does this policing stop with hobbies, likes and studies? No, it does not. It has its roots penetrated deep into our customs, traditions and social views.

A girl is supposed to be back at home before it is dark. A guy is supposed to earn and be the bread winner of the family. A girl cannot work in night shifts. A guy must have a great job and salary. A girl is supposed to cover herself up. A guy is supposed to be strong, dominant and decisive. A girl is supposed to take care of the household chores. A guy is supposed to keep himself away from the chores. A girl is supposed to get married at the age of 25; a guy at 30.

A girl must have long hair; drape a saree; wear jewelry; put on heels; visit the parlor. She is supposed to be girl-ish. Why can’t she have short hair, wear jeans, put on floaters and go on a road trip? Same is the case for guys.

We might have a justification for all these statements, in the name of safety, prevention, traditions etc. But the basis of all these is “Gender Policing”.

Are we in a healthy environment with all these “Supposed to be” statements?

When change is the only thing that doesn’t change, why are there so many previously arrived at conclusions? When the inputs differ, the outputs will obviously. In the current trend, there are so many changes in the way girls and guys brought up and hence the way they mingle and live in the society will also differ.

When gender is just an attribute of an individual; only when girls and guys are able to see each other as co-existing human beings with individuality, a society devoid of policing will emerge.


It is a journey of a million steps or more. But let us swear to take the very first step at home!

Right to Nature

After an interesting weekend trip to Bangalore, I arrived at a conclusion that “Chennai is burning”.

Bangalore is cool. It could be because of the altitude. But what I felt after my visit was that, we – the people – have made Chennai a typical desert.

I had been in Chennai since I was born and do not remember days being this hot! Just like any other kid I have spent most of my summer noons in the scorching sun. But, I doubt if it were really scorching then! I hardly remember getting sun burns. But now, a small walk around the office campus post lunch – we are burnt!

If this was the case of Chennai, what about cities in North India? The temperatures there are really scary!

Lucknow 47C degrees
Delhi 47C degrees
Agra 45C degrees
Nagpur 46C degrees
Kota 48C degrees

In spite of the fact that these cities are away from the coastal line, there has been a steep rise in the temperatures. Same is the case of many cities all over the world. Rise of temperature alone is not only the problem that we face; it is the drastic fall of it as well.

A straight question: Are we contributing to this alarming temperature rise?
Answer: Absolutely yes!

- Man emerged from nature; lived in it; with it. He used his 6th sense for his betterment.
- He started to reason, understand and infer from all that he got. He improved and enhanced skills.
- He cut down and cleared the forests to create habitation.
- He used up the natural resources like petrol and diesel to move around the world and cheat distance.
- He created and used technology to betray time.
- He improved his knowledge, skills and has indeed made a great achievement by arriving at where he is today.

But, is that all? If we say yes, then we are looking only at one side of the coin.

The raw fact is that,
he has used this creativity and the power to create to go against his own creator – Nature.

Arguing what is right and wrong or brooding about what we had done or justifying is not going to solve our problems. It is high time that we change gears and do something to stop this rapid depletion of Nature.

What will our next generation do with posh buildings, super smart machines and many other technological inventions without clean air, water and food?

Just like we save money and assets for the next generations, we should save our nature as well, because Mother Nature is their right as well..!

Guilty or Obsessed??

“Not coming? OK. We will go now and will be back in about an hour.”
The house was empty then.

My husband and my in-laws have it.

“I’m going now. Are you coming with me? OK. Fine. See you then.”
I had to walk back right into my home.

My neighbor has it.

‘Did you do? No? Why?’
I didn’t have an answer.

My friend must have had it.

When I went out the next day, I realized that I had been searching for something.
- The guy opposite to me in the share auto has it. His wife has it.
- The girl next me has it.
- The biker next to us has it.
- The auto driver who is overtaken has it.
- The flower vendor has it.
- The mechanic and his helper have it.
- The security at the office has it.
- My colleagues have it.
- The canteen vendors and housekeeping people have it too.

I lift my left index finger – No ink!