I'm a bad mother

I'm a bad mother. 

I'm bad because, I try to discipline my son. 

I'm bad because, I try to tap his energy into something. 

I'm bad because, I push him a bit more to get things done. 

I'm bad because, he got tooth cavity. 

I'm bad because, he is dark skinned. 

I'm bad because, I try to make him study for an hour a day. 

I'm bad because, I try to time what he has to do. 

I'm bad because, I'm strict with my rules. 

I'm bad because, I want him to hit the bed at 9.30pm.

I'm bad because, I wake him up by 8:45am. 

I'm bad because, I feed him lunch even if he says no. 

I'm bad because, I compel him to have vegetables. 

I'm bad because, I make sure he brushes his teeth atleast twice a day. 

I'm bad because, I don't let him eat chocolates or packed drinks. 

I'm bad because, I deny any kind of junk food. 

I'm bad because I ask him to draw for 45mins in the day. 

I'm bad because, I ask him not to sip from everyone's cup. 

I'm bad because, I ask him to do potty in the morning. 

I'm  bad because, I ask him to revise his subjects for 1hr a day. 

I'm bad because, I restrict his screen time to an uninterrupted 1hr a day. 

I'm bad because, I want him to sleep with me. 

I'm bad because, I want to narrate a story or a rhyme to him in the night. 

I'm bad because, I want to wake up looking at him. 

I'm bad because, I make him repeat hymns for competitions. 

I'm bad because, I am trying to expose him to something that I never got. 

I'm bad because, I'm a insecured mother. 

I'm bad because, I'm not what they want me to be. 

I'm bad because, I'm lost between what I want me to be and what I am. 

I'm confused about how big of a disaster I am...

Normal or Abnormal

I’m different. In many ways.

I’m kind of abnormal in others’ terms, I would say; no way close to how people around me, think.

‘My kind’ of doing is not as per what is expected out of me. So different that, sometimes black and white seem similar!

I’m never looked along norm, for what I do; always, either looked up or looked down.

I’m never a part of the packed-normalized-bell-curve-area. I don’t even think, I fall in the curve, first place.



If you ask me, if I’m happy the way I’m? My answer is a ‘No’.

If you ask me, if I want to fit into that curve? My answer is a ‘No’.

If you ask me, if the way I’m, is the right way? My answer is ‘I don’t know’.

If you ask me, what I’m up to? My answer is ‘I don’t know’.

If you ask me, what I’m now? You will have to wait for the answer, for an extended tenure.

If you ask me, if I would answer? My answer is ‘I don’t know’.



I know what would be running in your mind. Yup, I know; that I’m confused.

So deeply confused that, I’m confused about why I’m confused and what I’m confused about!

Wow! That came in a flow!


Somedays, I want to pursue everything; somedays just lay lazy.

Somedays, I’m up and running even before sunrise; somedays even at 8AM I’m sleepy.

Somedays, I’m a great host; somedays, I don’t want anyone around.

Somedays, I’m very loveable; somedays, I’m the least wanted.

But mostly, I’m the opposite of what I’m actually supposed to be.


On a special day, I’m lazy and sleepy; on a boring day, I’m all awake.

During an event, I go paranoid about hosting; on a normal day, I look forward to guests!

On a normal day, I’m abnormal and during an abnormal day, I’m either very very abnormal or very normal; the opposite of how I’m supposed to be.


I seriously don’t know if I have to be worried about this or am I just acting the usual way, I would – abnormal on a normal day?


By the way, what did I want to write about? Is it normal to forget it or am I abnormal, my actual normal??

Fingers crossed

I have been married for more than 75 months now.. Life has been pretty cool in our terms; we do have nasty fights and drastic terms exchanged, pricked and poked. But, life has always taken us to places and we have pushed ourselves back home with a lot of hope and strength...

Everyday in our lives, we see not only different people but also, so different ourselves. Every morning, facing each other could be an awesomatic way to start the day or it would be the most difficult one.

We do know, we are exactly the opposite to each other; we don't have common interests, no similar likes, no corresponding perspectives. But sometimes, this cruel life pattern brings these things to the obvious limelight that the bitterness, stings through your heart. We feel so outsider to the family.

We get to that uncomfortable companionship state that, we don't want to look into each other's eyes or even speak a word to them.

The pain of being different sometimes aggravates to the saturation that every move of us expects a response and it is always in negation or opposite of what we expect. We feel ignored when we actually want to be pampered.

Life is indeed clumsy and confusing... It becomes clumsier and more confusing when you expect it to answer your questions.

All that you can do is just trust that, this too shall pass; put on ur armor and ready yourself for another tricky day...

Fingers crossed...

Love is in the air!

Love is in the air!

Feb-14th is approaching; everyone is talking for and against celebration of Valentine’s Day. They justify why we should celebrate and why we shouldn’t. Whether we celebrate it or not, we need to accept that ‘Love’ is indeed in the air.

I got to read the letter penned by RajkumarRao (Bollywood Actor) on Instagram for his lady love.

In this letter, he mentions about the grandiose that is specified and hyped for the celebration of love not only on this special day but any other day too. He mentions phrases ‘sweeping a girl off her feet’, ‘blinded by love’, ‘madly in love’, ‘better half’, ‘love is all you need’, ‘settling down’ and what he senses on these trendy phrases.

He correctly mentions about the grandiose and pressure that is surrounded around the term ‘LOVE’ these days. When this emotion is natural for any living being, the expectation that is set by the trend and the society is alarming, according to him. He finishes the letter saying that he will shoulder her in all her ways and together they will ace heights and do something meaningful to emphasize his love for her.

Hats off!

RKR has correctly sieved the knots. He has clarified what is what and how it is actually supposed to be. Very clear it is.

So, now what?

Does it feel incomplete somewhere?

Does it feel like the thread is hanging untied and there is something missing?

If your answer is a yes, please read ahead. Else :) Thank you for reading!


Friends,

Are you looking out for the piece that is missing? Feels like something is incomplete?

I know what you are looking for. Please read ahead! :)

Hari and I have been married for 6 years now. Ours was a matrimony based arranged marriage; USA-India couple; met very few times prior to our marriage. Our life till now in a glimpse: Living with all in-laws in a big joint family; working couple; different passions and hobbies; very few similar interest; 4 year old toddler. :)

We have our ups and downs. We fight nastily over petty and big things and patch up in a silly way. We have stayed without talking for weeks. We have spoken about divorce; 2nd marriage and what not! We are evolving. We learn from each other (I hope so!). We shoulder each other’s needs and responsibilities. But finally, together, we make a great partnership.

Now, when I look back into my marriage life, it is a normal cool life that I have lived. Everything is above average; something most of my fellows don’t get. I’m indeed indebted to the eternal energy and my husband for this.

But, I feel something is missing in my life trail.

A very small piece!

A trivial thing that shows up sometimes very obviously but is blinded with the life scenes other times!

Trying to find out what I'm looking for, I understood it is the ‘Magic’ in the relationship.

When I say magic, it is the small surprises, unexpected hugs and kisses, involuntary happy tears, date nights, beach walks, dinners, ice cream under the moon, rain drive and lots more. It doesn’t have to involve lot of money or effort. It just has to happen suddenly; so suddenly and unexpectedly that the ‘happening’ leaves a mark in the mind.

These special moments need not be created with grandeur; it needs to be stitched with your love and attention.




So, in response to RKR's love letter:


Dear Too-Logical-Lovers,

We know you do everything for the family. We know what we mean to you. We know you love us a lot. You are great for what you are. But, be a little less practical / analytical or logical sometimes. Get off your logical coat and put on something casual and lively too.

Spice up our lives, a little more, with some silly, cute, lovely things. You don’t have to be too logical always!
Please give it a thought!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Lots of matured love & little of silly love,
Confused love-partners!

Freedom & Happiness

For an English Oratorical... 3 mins



Sudha Murty, a unique Indian author with great clarity in her thoughts. “How I Taught My Grandmother to Read and other stories” is a collection of shorts stories, available in the market from 2004, pretty old release but has been in the print for a long time now. This collection has many quotes to mention and the topic of today is indeed one of the specials.

“Doing what you like is freedom; Liking what you do is happiness.”

Let’s split it up. Two parts: Freedom & Happiness.

“Freedom is the oxygen to the soul.” Says Moshe Dayan, an Israeli leader and politician. He has rightly stated the importance and value of freedom to oneself. Freedom is all we want when we are under pressure and succumb to the external force. It was what Indian fighters and leaders fought for and got after a struggle for about 100+ years. While we feel that word, it emphasizes and establishes the “endless expanse”. “Freeeeeee” - that is the feeling of “Doing what you like”.

Now, about happiness, what is it actually?

Let’s see what science has in response to that question. In scientific literature, happiness is referred to as hedonia the presence of positive emotions and the absence of negative emotions. We get the “high” when we are happy and the things that are responsible for this are biochemical processes and the release of so-called happiness hormones. The most popular ones are endorphins, dopamine and serotonin.

As per the dictionary, the term happiness is used in the context of mental or emotional states, including positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. When do you actually feel happy?, feel Contented? - It is, when we are in sync with what we are doing; when we are intact with what we do; when we like what we do. That is the feeling of “Liking what you do”.


“Doing what you like” – Emphasis is on the individual.
“Liking what you do” – Emphasis is on the feeling.

“Doing what you like” – It is the signal received from the brain.
“Liking what you do” – It is the yell or whisper from the heart.

“Doing what you like” – is loud.
“Liking what you do” – is soft.

“Doing what you like” – is outward.
“Liking what you do” – is inward.


They are not two sides of the same coin. They are indeed two different genres of the mind. But they can never be replaced by any other and are never mutually exclusive too. They co-exist and are indeed like the 2 parts of the brain. It might look like we could survive with one, but this thought itself is absurd and could be because of the lack of the other.

Like the sea and the sky, these 2 genres "Freedom & Happiness" meet only at one point - the "special horizon" which is "Peace", which is the impeccably ideal place for life to evolve.



Always, be free and happy! Be at peace with yourself to feel it all..!